The Beginning Of It All. Or Maybe The End. What?

So I may have mentioned I am epically talented at self-sabotage. BOY HAVE I GOT A STORY FOR YOU.

Just kidding I'm not telling you about that. Just know I'm sobbing real fucking tears right now. And writing about other shit. I DON'T FUCKING CRY. God this world has really jacked me up. I miss being an emotionless piece of shit. Life was beautiful before I gave a shit. 

I'd like to write down everything that's happened to me since November 2015. Seems like fun.

- T boned a woman who ran a stop sign in front of me. Snapped my right radius clean in half. Three months after starting a new job. No health insurance. All in from the time of the accident to the moment I was cleared to leave PT for re learning how to use my right hand (I'm right handed.) $45,000. Thank god it was her fault. But still. then $25,000.
- Shortly after my accident, my grandmother went into the hospital.
- While I was stuck at home recovering, not working, stuck. My grandmother got stuck in the hospital for weeks. We didn't know that she was going to make it. She did.
- Got a weird text the night I was cleared to return to normal activity after my arm from my sister's boyfriend asking me a random question about my father. (no contact for many years). I said "Lol I don't know, why?" My father had dropped dead in the Long Branch Jersey Mike's of a massive heart attack. They were on their way to the hospital. Still don't know why they called my sister. Never will.
- The following day my mother was hospitalized for what we were hoping were just spells of vertigo. Stayed in the hospital 24 hours. I sat at home shaking.


.....Fast forward a few months.
- Met up with an old friend, relationship started, got engaged way too fucking fast, immediately moved in together. made every goddamn mistake possible.
- Moved. 6 months into new apartment, woke up to a massive fire. Grabbed my cat and my sweatshirt and screamed at said "fiance" to get out and ran into a 15 degree march morning in a sweatshirt and pj pants and a pair of boots I managed to put on.
- Lost apartment and had to move back into mom's house with "fiance" and cat.

....Fast forward a few more months
- Moved into new apartment with "fiance".
- Mom diagnosed with pancreatic cancer after 3 months in hospital and nearly dying of sepsis.
- For the next 5 months, I watched my mother die.
- Left "fiance". Moved out.
- I nearly reached the point of being suicidal while watching my mother waste away into nothing. She died. A horrible death.
-Dealt with the aftermath of my mom dying in the best way I know how. Shutting off my emotions and becoming a robot.
- 4 months later my cat died suddenly and left me in shambles.
- Winter. (Yeah that deserved a spot in my list of shit that happened. Because fuck winter.)

...And now a few months later.
- Got sick, in hospital twice. No real reason can be found.
- Started suffering from a severe episode of OCD/Anxiety/Panic.  (Might be the reason they can't find)
- Started having crazy nightmares of my mother dying in front of me.
- lost something incredibly important to me.
- 95 year old grandmother (same one from the beginning of this story) in hospital with heart failure.


And here I am.

But before anyone says "well no wonder she's so miserable, she only focuses on the bad."

Incorrect, Sharon. So shut the fuck up. I am incredibly lucky. I have amazing friends, and generally wonderful people in my life. I have a home, and I live in a beautiful place. I have my horses. I have everything I need. But sometimes my brain is going to fry and I'm going to break down. Because I SEEEN SOME SHIT.

 I'm fucking human, Sharon. So deal with it.